My brain says no but my pants say off.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
