I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize