if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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