I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
