I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Randomize
