Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
