So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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