I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
