I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
