32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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