Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
