uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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