I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
