I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Randomize
