Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
We just shotgunned beers for America
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
