im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
