Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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