..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
