end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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