I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
