Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Randomize
