His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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