I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
