need another drink. this is the easiest way
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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