i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
