I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
