I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
