I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
