ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
