Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
