I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
