Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
