Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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