y did u give ur computer a hand job?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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