My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
