I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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