I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
