Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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