he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
