I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
