if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
