The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
