I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize