Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
