my phone needs a breathalizer
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
