Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
