i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I can feel your judgement through the phone
there is glitter all over my balls
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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