If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
