Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
