i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
