i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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