i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
