everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
