I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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