You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize