holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
