I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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